I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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