I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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