She said her name was "party"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize