I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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