I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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