Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize