I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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