shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
