Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
ttyl tear gas
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
