Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm like, not good at living.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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