The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
