ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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