I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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