based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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