I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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