what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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