i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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