im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
