I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
