im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize