your parents love me but you hate me
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
