hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
