He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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