Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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