i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
