there's paper in my vomit.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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