Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i came on her dog
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
