People in love make me want to vomit
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
