Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just cropdusted the office
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
