I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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