I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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