Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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