I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
birth control should be required to get into college
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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