I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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