sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
