btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
