My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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