party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
