He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
