thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
