I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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