i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
