That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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