I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
