i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
