He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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