Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize