I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
