Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
