she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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