I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
