I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
