I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Boobs speak an international language.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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