Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
