i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
