Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
