you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
