the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
