Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
