I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
