I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
