hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
