Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
