you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
