omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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